Every International Women's Day reminds me of this question. And on every International Women's Day, I will spend the day Googling can women have it all. For someone who runs their own business, they have the luxury of flexible working hours, but not necessarily those who works in the corporate world. I have always been trying to find an answer to this question and I think I have made peace with it. I have found an answer that satisfy my logic - yes (women can have it all), but not at the same time.
I was brought up to become competitive. I am ambitious and I know I do want to achieve a lot of things. I can't imagine myself staying at home, taking care of house chores, kids and husband. I wanted more than that. Furthermore, my parents, especially my mum, supported my aspirations. She has always said, "You are a a person with a bright mind. You worked your way to good schools. You deserve more than just becoming a stay-at-home-wife/mother. And if something undesired happen to your husband, at least you have a job to support you." To be honest, I have never thought about her last sentence, but it made sense.
I had initially planned to have my first born when I was 26 and have my third (and last) when I'm 30. I planned my pregnancies likewise because, according to studies, women start to lose fertility when they're 30 and the quality of the eggs also declined. But because I was so focused on catching up with my peers (I'm 2 years behind my peers in terms of work experience), I delayed the plan. I thought, "Many women nowadays have their first when they are 30. I'll just delay having my first again until I reach 30 years old and by then I will (probably) have caught up with the rest of my peers." But now I thought about my husband being almost in his mid 30s, I can't really delay anymore. I don't want my husband to be too old when the kids are in college and I don't want to conceive with bad quality eggs - I need to be fair with the kids too by providing them a good start.
I had initially planned to have my first born when I was 26 and have my third (and last) when I'm 30. I planned my pregnancies likewise because, according to studies, women start to lose fertility when they're 30 and the quality of the eggs also declined. But because I was so focused on catching up with my peers (I'm 2 years behind my peers in terms of work experience), I delayed the plan. I thought, "Many women nowadays have their first when they are 30. I'll just delay having my first again until I reach 30 years old and by then I will (probably) have caught up with the rest of my peers." But now I thought about my husband being almost in his mid 30s, I can't really delay anymore. I don't want my husband to be too old when the kids are in college and I don't want to conceive with bad quality eggs - I need to be fair with the kids too by providing them a good start.
Now that I'm going to have a little bubba of my own, that's when reality really hits. That's when the "can women have it all" question became even more relatable for me. I can't and don't want to be selfish anymore. If I want my kids to grow up to be successful, well mannered, and religious, I know I need to put a lot of hard work into it. And maybe invest a lot of time in it as well. But we live in Australia as first generation of immigrants, we have no support system! Childcare is very expensive and our families (who we would trust our kids to the most) is faraway in Indonesia. Although I would love to take one year of maternity leave, I will still not be able to do so because we have other financial commitments to be met. Will I have the energy and work flexibility to do all this? Or do I have to make big sacrifices? Well, I'm still thinking about it. My prioritising skills will be heavily tested once bubba comes to this world and I'm back to work.
I've seen many mothers at my workplace trying to juggle between work and family. From executives to associate directors. And I think they're doing an awesome job. Those in higher ranks do have much more flexibility though e.g. they can work 3 days a week, or they can work from home if they choose to. Sometimes I thought, maybe I should have waited until I work my way up the rank before having my first, but by then I will probably be 30 already - and like I said, I want to be fair to my kids. But a teammate of mine had her first around my age and she was promoted to manager just several months before she went on maternity leave. But I don't think that is going to happen to me because I spilled the beans too quickly.
Sometimes these things just adds to the stress, but I'm trying my best to be positive and am thankful to be a Muslim because I don't need to worry about the kids' rizq, because Allah will guarantee it. If we have good intentions, inshaaAllah, Allah will make it easy. You just need to have faith. It is easy to say but having faith is one of the very foundation of Islam and it is difficult to exercise. I just hope I can become a good mum for my kids and also still be able to achieve my dreams.
I've seen many mothers at my workplace trying to juggle between work and family. From executives to associate directors. And I think they're doing an awesome job. Those in higher ranks do have much more flexibility though e.g. they can work 3 days a week, or they can work from home if they choose to. Sometimes I thought, maybe I should have waited until I work my way up the rank before having my first, but by then I will probably be 30 already - and like I said, I want to be fair to my kids. But a teammate of mine had her first around my age and she was promoted to manager just several months before she went on maternity leave. But I don't think that is going to happen to me because I spilled the beans too quickly.
Sometimes these things just adds to the stress, but I'm trying my best to be positive and am thankful to be a Muslim because I don't need to worry about the kids' rizq, because Allah will guarantee it. If we have good intentions, inshaaAllah, Allah will make it easy. You just need to have faith. It is easy to say but having faith is one of the very foundation of Islam and it is difficult to exercise. I just hope I can become a good mum for my kids and also still be able to achieve my dreams.
You will be a great mum! And lucky you'll get some paid maternity leave.
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